Thursday, December 29, 2011

Where you end, I begin.

      If I could use one word to describe this year, it would be controversial. Relatives died, plans fell apart, hope drowned deeper into our debt, but through all this I managed to make radical changes, and take a step forward to becoming a better person.
Since I've already taken this never- ending path to "perfection", I decided to make this year's resolutions the most difficult ones (Yes, this time, they are real resolutions). So I've come down to those.

 1. I will reduce my self- destructive attitude. That means, a) not getting into situations that will surely hurt me, b) not trying to make my life more complicated than it already is,  for no reason.
 
2. I will learn to let go of the past. Moving on is something you have to do on your own. Forgetting stuff (people, situations, addictions etc, etc), and going back to them when they turn up again, is not moving on. It's... forgetting. You have to be really sure, that no matter what, you.will.NOT.go.back. 
   - Here I can add : Realising that something doesn't provide me with anything positive anymore, and simply holds me back, is of crucial importance.

3. I will stop doing so many things just for the sake of doing them. I think I've been addicted to collecting experiences. Especially this year, while looking back, I come across so many things that I can't seem to understand why I did. Well, truth is I can, but the reasons are not really notable. But the thing is, "empty" experiences are as good as no experiences. Or maybe not. Maybe if I didn't have all these "empty" experiences I wouldn't come to that conclusion. Ok, ok I'll stop talking to myself!

4. I' ll keep space for another resolution or two. Just in case.

  (& I will stop biting my nails.)


  I know I won't make much progress in these areas but at least, I'll try harder this time, since I rarely do stuff unless I'm forced


So here 2012, I'm ready to take you on!.... not

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Resolutions.

       It's time for another angry post! Yes it is. So soon. Maybe I need to go to Anger Management classes. I'll see to that tomorrow. For now, let the hate flow.

       You know what the best way to ruin a very good day is? To have human contact. Oh yes. Now most of you would believe that people that care about you, will make you happy, especially during this festive season. Let me answer this for you. NO. They can't even fulfill a tiny little wish! They can only whine about how you don't care about them, and how non- existent  things you did, made them sad. And it's so funny because I'm going to get complaints about this post as well. And no one will care that I'm frustrated, when I should be happy. Because they can't keep their fucking paranoia for themselves, at least until my vacation is over. Why do you do something if it's only going to have a negative result?

Here's an idea. Why don't all of you, get your freaking attitudes, and go somewhere else?! Because I can't do this right now. I'm on rehab. Sorry! A joke is a joke, a text about Holland, is a text about Holland and noone else!

So my New Year's resolution, is to kill everyone, and live happilly ever after.


New York I love you, and other clichés

       As I was floating high up in the sky (in a plane of course); nothing happened, I was just trying to make this interesting, so you'll start reading it! Mwua- ha- ha. You still there? I love you! No I don't.
       So I'm on vacation. The best thing about it is that I haven't thought of you for a single moment. Except for now....
But the second best thing is, that I'm surprised. I mean, how could I not think about you? And now that I'm thinking about you, it doesn't make me sad, or angry, or even confused.
       It's funny. Two months ago, I couldn't eat due to extreme excitement, and today I'm here looking out of my window thinking how small this was. How in 2 years, it would be so tiny. It's a pity it ended in the worst possible way though.. well ok, not the worst, somebody could have died, but you get what I mean.
       
       So now I'm here, watching crappy films, ready to vomit from all the hand holding, and hugging, and all these family stuff, but relaxed nontheless. Yes! That's right. Relaxed. That's rare. I have a normal heartbeat, I sleep well, and I have no worries through the day. It's like my life is on pause.
Everything is fine.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Booty calls and cigarettes.


You stare at me. I don’t even dare to look at you. I just look at the smoke dancing its way out of your mouth. My thoughts scattered all over the blankets. How difficult I find it to recollect them when you ask me what’s on my mind. I don’t know what you think of me.
I could write about your perfume that still lingers on my clothes. I could write about our potential as a couple and how sad it is that no one opened up. I could write about the man I loved and he abandoned me. But unfortunately the cold I caught yesterday won’t even let me smell that chocolate cake in the oven. And unfortunately I didn’t want to open up. I keep on being emotionally unavailable. Not loving, not falling in love. And you? I don’t even know if you have abandoned me. You, remain a mystery.
I just assume we are mutually taking advantage of each other, each one for our own personal reasons.


“There are plenty reasons to have sex. It can be a result of lust, loneliness, insecurity or even the need to take your mind of your problems.”
“What about love?”
What about love, indeed?

It’s a good thing we have sexually matured. Liberated enough to have sex with whoever we want, but not enough to escape criticism. Free enough to pay for it, but not enough to tell the world.
Fitting clothes, high heels, ties, make up, colognes; how they hide all our insecurities.
Funny, how willing we are to open our legs, but not our hearts. How everyone nowadays, has a sex life, but not a love life. Convenient, how you can wake up next to someone you don’t love.

Monday, December 19, 2011

And I can't sleep again, tonight.




I’ve got a man’s pride, and you’ve got a woman’s intuition. How can we go on if you keep hurting me, and I keep disputing you?
Funny how you’re losing me, when you only want to keep me closer.

I find myself in a situation I don’t like. I’m out of strength. Your selfishness tires me. You make everything a dead end. You twist and turn my words so you can find the easy way out. Funny how you hear, but don’t listen. Why can’t you feel my voice echoing inside your lungs, your head, your every nerve?  I scream and whisper, I write notes and statuses; you never notice.  Communication is not a one way street.
                 I state my complaints, you build walls. All of a sudden you toughen up.  It’s scary; I can’t recognize you tonight.
                I’m nauseous. My system somehow wants to get rid of all this overwhelming disappointment. Funny how we keep failing all the time, when we are trying so hard to do the opposite.

Funny; how none of this is really funny.


And I can’t call you again. I can’t text you again. I can only hope that tomorrow you won’t be the man you are today.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Ignorance is [text missing]


                And I wonder how something so small can be killing me on the inside. Maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s my devastated pride. I did mind though. I did mind that you didn’t call me for a week. I did mind that you didn’t give me an answer. I do mind that now you behave like a total jerk. I do mind that you crashed my enthusiasm so easily.
                And now I’m sitting here wondering…. WHY THE FUCK can no one understand that I was hurt?  I mean it was just a month, I didn’t want it to get serious, but still it didn’t end well. Do I have to run and shout “Hey, you know this damaged me a bit”? I don’t need the Hollywood crap, *mocking voice* “Oh, maybe he’s too selfish to admit that he liked you more, and you are selfish too, and no one makes a move, but one day things will fall into place and you will get married and have children, blah, blah, blah.” I don’t need this. I have a hyperactive, wishful imagination, and I don’t need to be thinking about stuff like that. And frankly even if he does still like me, I don’t want to know. Because it took effort, maybe not much but it took some, to stop liking him.
                And especially people I have talked to about him. Are you blind? Don’t you remember how happy and enthusiastic I was at the beginning? Don’t you notice how cool I was just as soon as all this ended? Did it really seem that normal to you? You think this change happened smoothly?
                Things are not going very well lately, and even if what happened was tiny, for me it was just one more thing going wrong. One more failure. And I don’t like failing.

PS : This blog is still not becoming what I want it to become. In fact it's going on the opposite direction. Never mind.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Ira.


   Oh Christmas is coming; everything is so jolly and cheery. The spirit of Christmas is bringing out the good in us. Blah, blah. NO! Just no. 
   First of all the center of Athens couldn’t be any poorer as far as decoration is concerned. There’s a crisis going on, people, we need lights and ornaments!

   Today was a crappy day. The bus was late in the morning, and I was late for my courses. The bus was late in the evening; I was late for my yoga lesson. I also took the wrong train, and ended up in a station I hate. And just when I found the way to get to the other platform to take the right train, I missed it. If I had been 5 seconds quicker, I wouldn’t have missed it. But hey, that’s life.

   And I’m broke. No money at all. And I’m sleepless. I’m tired. I’m whiny.
But still I’m looking forward to Christmas. I need holidays. NEED!

   I also need one tiny thing to go wrong. One tiny little thing, so I can burst, and destroy everything with my rage. It’s going to be massive, I mean it. I’ve been trying to keep everything balanced for so long.

P.S: And this is a bad post. A bad, bad post. I don't usually write like this. I'm better. I swear!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Madwoman with a box.

   First of all I have to accept the fact that my blog will never cooperate. It will never look exactly the way I want it to. Nothing ever does. Story of my life. Although I admit I'm kind of a control freak and a perfectionist, so there might be a tiny possibility that I will never be completely satisfied with anything.
   Soooo... I have been on blogger for a year. I was planning on making it a blog for movie reviews, but then I got bored. Then I forgot about the account here in general. 
   You see, I was never really interested in writing, and that's why I never used this site (don't ask why I made the account a year ago. I don't know. I really don't. The "sign up" button does strange things to me. I'm literally all over the Internet. It's like an addiction). 
   But then I started writing for another blog. And I've gathered enough documents to make a blog of my own. So lucky you! I'm here to stay! Probably...

As for the title... Doctor who jokes. Because I love it so. 
Just kidding.(No it's not funny, I know. Please don't hate me, I just get pretty awkward when I start something new). Someone just sent me a link to this episode, while I was writing this, and it had the world mad in it, so.... yeah the explanation sounded better in my head.