Friday, January 27, 2012

Things left unsaid

I'll stample on your promises, and build walls so you won't come in.
I will try to escape change, but change will always catch me.
And then I'll sit there until I adapt to it. 


High on ego just like you.
We could go places you and me.
Ease our troubled minds.
Spent so much time trying to convince you I hated you, I ended up loving you.


There is a huge gap between what I think and what I say.
There is a huge gap between what you say and what you mean.
Absent.
You used to break walls. 
Now you just plant flowers on the outside.


Gave you the key to my heart, but you lost it.


Fuck you.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Existential error



There’s a thief in my closet and a murderer out my window.
Every night, the thief creeps out of the closet and steals my thoughts.
Every night, the murderer sneaks into my room and kills my feelings.

Every night I wait there patiently, waiting for them to finish their jobs.
Watching them as they tear apart every inch of my mental world.
Every night I line up the pieces of what’s left behind.

And every night they come back.

And every night I pay them to do it.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Surprise, sometimes, will come around




       As I quoted before, whenever something ends, a part of me dies. It doesn't matter if that "something" starts again.


       It's the end of an era. With the end of 2011 came the end of our relationship as we knew it. This is a new beggining. This is new for me and, strangely enough, for you too. I' ve never worked on a relationship that was this damaged before. I considered it a waste of time. Maybe it's you, maybe it's the new me.
     
     While looking back at the course my life has taken, I realise that sometimes, if you're patient enough, things fall into place. You don't always need to push situations. There is a thin line between success and failure on which we are tiptoeing. If anything, you have taught me to sit back and watch life take its course, until the right time comes to interfere with it.


Time does wonders. Love does to. Athough not enough, it's essential.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Which is colder, winter or ice cream?



       
       There are days when you want the world to pause. But there are other days when you don't care. You just want to disappear for a while, and the world to go on, until you feel ready to come back again. And you want no-one to notice you're missing. 
      And there are those other days, when everything is so simple. There are these moments of clarity when you can see it all. 
It's like a perfect pattern, laid out in front of you. Suddenly everything makes sense. It's like an epiphany. 
And suddenly, in the blink of an eye, it's all gone.
      
      When nothing goes right, go left they say. Well, you can't go left if you have to go right. 
       
      Bailing out is not an option. But then again staying shouldn't be one either. There needs to be a place for people like me. Think-aholics anonymous. It's not the truth I can't stand. It's the lies they dressed it up with. I'm tired of troubling my mind. I seek balance in a world that won't offer it. I stopped demanding from people when I noticed they were not capable of meeting my expectations. Why can't I stop being so strict with myself as well?
       It was one day at the dinner table when my sister wondered out loud "Which is colder, winter or ice cream?". It was a moment of epiphany. The question was totally irrelevant. It was a question I could answer, but it still wouldn't make any sense. I realised, that I wouldn't get answers until I started asking non- generic and non- irrelevant questions. It wasn't the answers I had to work on. It was the questions. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

You want the sin without the sinner.



       It's a pity.
Above all, it's a pity that everything I fix, I can destroy with equal ease.
Which means I'm practically useless. I just give hope, and then steal it back, like it's a precious possesion of mine.
       It's been a week since I returned.
As I try to rehabilitate myself and gather my scattered thoughts, I find nothing but obstacles. Obstacles I put there myself. Myself.
       Since recently I've been feeling like the whole world is my playground. And I'm the spoiled brat going around kicking the other kids into the sandpit. I pull the strings and when I don't want anyone around me I demand so. And when I'm ok, I give the sign for everyone to come back.
What I probably needed, was good slap, which I got twice the past four months. Which made me think, that I shouldn't be so selfish. I was so blinded by my ego, I hadn't even noticed I was that selfish. Ever since, I've been working on it. But still, when they give you the power it's hard to resist.
       
       As I'm listening to placebo, and looking out the cloudy sky, it's becoming clearer to me that I don't want to face the world today .

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Feels like you lovE him more, than he loveD you.

      I still can't seem to understand if the latest decision I made was due to my self-destructive attitude, or my self-protective attitude which is close to zero, but I try to increase it.
      It's so sad knowing you're only one call away. But you seem happy, so I'm not having second thoughts about what I did. Or maybe it's your selfishness. Who knows.
      Whenever something ends, a part of me dies. No matter what it is. It happened in November, it's happening now. What's different, is how big this part is. Seems like I'm the only one who can revive it, but I can't find how. I'm killing myself on the inside, and I'm happy about it. And since you're not here anymore, it's much easier.
There is a part of me though, that wants to be saved, I think. The part that gave you the 1000th chance, which you threw away gladfully. Because you see, when this was the other way round, there wasn't one thing I wouldn't do. But still, we are not all the same, now, are we?
      So I sit here whining about it, not knowing if I would want it any other way. Correction. Not knowing if any other way would be good for me.
And,
sadly, you wouldn't even lift your finger to find out for me. Sadly.



What a pity... 



Tuesday, January 3, 2012

These games you play



There is great pain in this world.

It leaks from its cracks, and floats in the air.
It pins stars on the sky every night.
It swallows your dreams, and drinks your hopes.
It twists your reality and it gets in your way.

And everyday you feed it with your destructive ways.

You see it decorating your notebooks and your songs.
You sit next to it on the bus, during your classes, your work.
You try to avoid it when you're walking down the street.
You hope it doesn't notice you. But it does. It always does.

And it laughs at you as your soulless side takes over.