Monday, February 20, 2012

When the sun goes down.

And then it hit me. Why are my biggest dreams, things that I can’t achieve?

It’s all about fear. I don’t like a lot of things.
It’s the fear that one day I will be left with nothing to achieve. And what is life if you have no goals?
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” said Eleanor Roosevelt.
My life is nothing but a series of unavailing pursuits.
I like saying “I want to do this, I want to go there”.
The thought alone, of me wanting something so much, makes me happy. That’s why it doesn’t really matter if I actually do any of the things I say.
Because it is sometimes, quite often really, that I know, that if you leave me to rot in this room, alone, forever, I won’t really mind. I’ve been there; I’ve stayed alone for months.
And sometimes I wish this wasn’t true. I wish I wasn’t so sure that I could make it alone.

I hate easy things. Whenever I achieve something, happiness stays, but just for a little while. Then I want to achieve more. And that’s why I fill my time with “musts”. But they are not really “musts” they are “wants”. The desire not to think about all these. The desire to feel I’m actually doing something.

And I think people should know that. But then again I don’t want people to think I’m insensitive. Because I’m not. But then again this all doesn’t make sense.
But then again isn’t life itself so, oh so controversial?

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