Wednesday, March 28, 2012

She wanted perfect and she got the perfect nightmare

          And then the girl fell in love with the idea. The idea of the boy she didn’t know. The very mystery of him. She had been chasing the fairytale for so long she finally found the perfect candidate. 
          Time doesn’t lie. Soon it turned out he wasn’t the perfect candidate. But he had already casted his spell on her. She was the perfect liar. She made him think she didn't care. And there in the vortex, drifted by her own insecurity she took the magic and turned it into a sick competition. She took more terms and put them into the equation. Then she took the equation and altered it from what could have been a good story, to the recipe of her own catastrophe.


And then she withdrew unable to handle the chaos that the boy had caused in her life.

         The boy didn’t understand. How could he understand? How could he have known? She never showed.
        This is a sad story. This is the story of the girl that fell in love with the idea. But she didn’t fall in love with the boy.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Closure



Time had expired but I was still looking deep into your piercing eyes. I could stand it. From that moment I knew it was over. Your presence wouldn’t cause any trembling or any of these strange reactions in my stomach anymore. My soul was somewhat too hard for you to cut trough. Your razor blade touches couldn’t harm me anymore. 
No. It never felt like love. More like mutual suffering of our own uncertainty. I can't say for sure.  Because you see, my dear, I was made of wax but you weren't made of fire. 


All I wanted was to drown you into the abyss of my reality.
But after all dead roses can’t bloom.

I’m sorry.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Emotional pain-o-philia



I associate with pain quite often. Over the years I've learnt to embrace it. I willingly dive into the sea of despair whenever I get the chance.
I teeter around total destruction and leave just as soon as I get a little taste. It's a game I love to play.


The risk of causing irreversible damage excites me far too much.



Great pain purifies you. It shatters your being and leaves you in ruins. But it's the freedom I'm after. Freedom that few people have had the privilege to know. This hollow emptiness. You see it's really quite simple; you're free because you're empty.
If you were to charge me with emotional suicide I would plead guilty. I've killed myself a thousand times and I plan on doing it again.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

De tal palo, tal astilla



They say I'm liquid. I'm never there, I always slip right out of your hands. But then again they say I'm very solid. You can always count on me.
They say I'm superficial. I pay attention to unimportant things. Yet they insist I can always see the good in anyone.
I'm a highly controversial and misunderstood human being.
Both for myself and for others.


I always claim that I'm not lonely. I'm alone. It's a matter of choice. Recently a girl in a movie quoted that. Which bothered me, because I wanted it to be my invention. But then again in a world that's 4,5 million years old it's rather difficult to come up with something entirely new.
But what was the point of this document? Oh yes.



One thing I can't seem to be able to learn, is forgiveness. I cannot forget therefore I cannot forgive. For me these things go together.
I'm not a very difficult person. You can do a lot of things to me, and I won't mind. I have little expectations, therefore it's very hard to dissapoint me.


But there are certain things you will do, that will simply break the deal. 


You broke the deal several times. No, no. You smashed the deal. You broke it into little tiny pieces, burnt it, and threw the ashes into the sea.
Yet I dived into the sea and found them all. I gave them new shapes and hid them into parks and chinese restaurants. But you found them again, and you blew them away. And again. And again. And then I let them go.


Because we can't live surrounded by ashes.

The thing is, you deserve a second chance, and  I need to grow up. I have talked about it with myself and he doesn't seem to mind, so therefore
I forgive you.




Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Riddle me this, riddle me that.

Original Picture by: http://nickoreal.deviantart.com/art/leap-of-faith-43632210


Where there is a will there is a higher chance to get disappointed.

When it comes to love, romance to be specific, I'm a toddler. I take small baby steps and whenever things don't go my way I fall down and cry, refusing to go on.
I don't want to risk getting my heart broken, so I break everyone else’s.
Truth is, I don't enjoy relationships to the fullest, but I enjoy them to a certain point which is really satisfying. And that has been my love life until now.

“If you come now, it will be too early, if you come later, it will be too late.” said She in February the 7th , pretty sure that this was the way to end a kick-ass story (that story never ended obviously).

“So when should you come actually” wondered She a month later.
Maybe in a month. “I would but I have a lot of classes”
Maybe during the summer. “I would but I will be away for 2 months because my Visa expired. Yes, yes I'm from Peru actually”
Maybe in a year. “I would but it’s the year of the ostrich and church doesn’t allow me to risk anything… this year” (or any year to tell the truth).
Never is the right answer. Don’t you realize? There will never be a right time.
I’ll never take that leap of faith.

All I'm trying to say is that sometimes all you need is a little push (or a big one, in my case).