Saturday, June 14, 2014

Of choice, off choice.

Today I feel great sadness.
I feel the irresistible urge to sabotage myself. I can do nothing. I have the choice to do nothing.
I always struggled with the fact that I have no dream.
I have only recently realised that this is what gives me great freedom.
There is nothing in this world fundamentaly itertwined with my happiness. Nothing which if I do not do, I am bound to feel incomplete.

I don't know if that makes me happy or sad.

As I realise it though, I feel no need to judge. At least not that much.
Because I feel this kind of twisted inner peace. Where I am so confused and scared that my inner darkness is what makes me, and now it is being consumed by light. A part of it. Or maybe it is not light. I feel so handicapped by this fear that I can do anything. How do you control your freedom?
The fear becomes so big that dissolves into small fragments of calmness. I feel like I am the happiest and saddest person on earth.

And my readers might think I'm on drugs.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Have you noticed how our hands look like leaves?

Days form weeks.
Weeks form months.
I form little particles of distorted light and I try to share.
To fight the darkness. My darkness. Your darkness.
I'm listening to this song. I feel unlocked.
I close my eyes and I try to be you. Try to understand.
What is it that connects me to this world? To you? To myself.

That's the best part. When everything comes up to the surface, altogether. And you cannot think... no,no it doesn't feel like despair. 
It feels as if thoughts are escaping from you, so quickly you can't seem to catch them. And you feel like there is nothing burried in you anymore.

For a few seconds, I'm on top of my walls and I can see everything so clearly that, understanding it, seems unnatural.
That's the best part