Sunday, December 25, 2016

Memories of an old phone


Spring of 2014

I think I can no longer use "we".
I curled up like a questionmark around you. I wanted to know.
I think I can no longer know what you are feeling.
I haven't heard your phone ring in months.
The ice cream sits unusually long in the freezer.
I don't see your shampoo anymore.
I froze time.
I think you left yesterday night.
But no, it wasn't yesterday night.
I think this is over.
I think you left.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

The coldest red

Things end and it is as if they never existed
The metronome counts
all the time that we lost

Un-safe, un-calm, un-collected
A goodbye that drowned
in the space between us.

Un-safe, un-calm, un-collected
The magic moves further away

Un-safe, un-calm, un-collected
I am chasing
what I thought was it

For all the wishes that came true

what did you have to sacrifice?

a million fragments of my soul
my happiness
my sadness 
my all
I tried to fit it all in you
but you bled to death

And I left

After all,
the only feelings I have are the ones I stole
from you,

and the movies.




Monday, December 5, 2016

Storm

Ever so lonely
ever so lost...

Such is life
that the waves
steal your floating body
and drown you
or crush you against a rock
I was a lucky one
I got washed out on a shore

ever so lonely
ever so lost

Such is life
that you learn to breathe
on your own
though you don't want to
you want to belong
you want to 
breathe
and touch
and feel
through someone else's soul

ever so lonely 
ever so lost

because
it is truly exquisite
to be free
but also 
unbearable

Such is life,
ever so lonely
ever so lost.

who will now mourn 
this long forsaken ghost?




Saturday, November 26, 2016

Asteroids

These are the days
when I will find
little notes and memories
in old handbags
and forgotten jeans
I would burn the pictures
but I'm not like that
I have locked away everything
I never used to hide my past
but then again
it never used to hurt so much
the bitterness of failure
between my teeth
and the what ifs
at the tip of my tongue

they are enough for now.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Clean floor

I had a friend
a friend with a fridge
and a washing machine

he wasn't happy with the hair 
the hair on the floor
unless it was hers

he had a friend
the one with the hair
the hair all over the floor

I had a friend
he had no cats
he had a chalkboard
to write
so he wouldn't get lost

He had a friend 
the one with the hair
who couldn't see
what he wrote

I had a friend
he started writing on walls
but his friend 
the one with the cats
she fell to the ground
she looked for the chalk
but the friend
the friend with the fridge
he wanted her hair 
on the floor
and not the chalk anymore

I had a friend
the one with the fridge
the one with the chalk
the chalk that he lost
along with the girl
the girl with the hair
and the cats






Thursday, November 24, 2016

Little pieces of a bigger picture

I can't quite remember
the day I refused the magic
from my life
I want to give you my all
but I am scattered
and I wish to remain this way

But how could you know
After all you've never been saved

Sometimes I think that
maybe
I can be the one to save you
but then

what would that make me?



Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Don't sleep on it

There are these rare occasions where one wakes up after they die. In the hospital or a coffin, or wherever. This can be quite problematic because the longer they stay dead, the more deficits they are likely to have when they wake up.
Because the body can't stay inactive for long without it being damaging.

The same happens with emotional death.
You are not aware of what you are losing in the process,
just like when you are literally dead, it's like an everlasting slumber.
but maybe one day someone wakes you up from this slumber
a slumber you enjoyed
a slumber you didn't necessarily wanted to wake up from
and then it all shows
what you have been doing to yourself for so long
when you thought that you could "snap out of it" when the time was right
just like any other addiction
it crawled its way through
there comes a time where you want to move forward
but you can't anymore.

I fear this moment

more than my eternal slumber. 


Monday, October 17, 2016

No directions

What was once lost
You cannot recreate
And you most certainly can't
Replant that which has grown elsewhere
For the soil is never the same
But it certainly takes a lot of life
To distinguish the shape of love
In each person's heart
And to be willing to accept love
In any of its forms
For love is all encompassing
And who wouldn't 
that?



Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Life and other misfortunes


It feels like there is no future. And no past.

All is now. All is present.

I am so consumed by my microcosm that I think it's absurd, how the world keeps going on, when I can barely coordinate my feet to walk a straight line and not fall over. 

Or fall apart.
 
I know there are worse things that can happen. I just can't think of any of them right now. I know eventually it will end. I don't know what will, but I know it's not gonna be like this.


The past 5 years have been fundamental. Fast paced, and I can only grasp some of the things I learned during days like this one.

Life keeps winning me over and I can't help but laugh because, in the end, I remain the same helpless little deer, regardless of the improvements I make and the determination I begin with.

Today, this makes sense.
Tomorrow it might not. It probably won't, let's face it.
 
So I will just have to remember that today was a good day.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

No more

Knowing the end
is a heavy weight to carry
I see you walking
unaware
I cannot get to you

I stand here
I tear apart the pieces
that stand in your way
I am being
ridiculed

I think
most of the times
I am left hollow
by the edge of the cliff
but I think
down below
is a halcyon sea
the arrogance of my youth
your promising lands

Knowing the end
is a heavy weight to carry
and I will sleep on it
yet another night 




Friday, September 16, 2016

The not-so-audacious

You look like someone I have forgotten about 
You are tempting

I hold my failures between my teeth
My pain lies at the end of my throat
If I shout hard enough
It might go away

But

I don't have to rehearse my part

Because as it seems
I remain uninvolved

I do not know
Why I cannot grow roots

But then again
I do not know
if I want to

I find myself detached 
from all the shiny people 
I digress 
I deny
I refuse

I know exactly why
I do not care to explain

to anyone but

you.



Saturday, August 20, 2016

Return?

If the roads were to break,
and the bridges were to burn,
and we were to fall,
 
away from 
everything;
 
I would paint your sorrows black
and swallow them 

for I have only known love;
 
and the rest of our days
wouldn't be this cold red.
 
But now the sun sets again
in our glorious lands,
and it is clear,
why we find peace in each other
and we become

fire.


  




Saturday, July 16, 2016

Retractable

Is this it,
what my current reflection yearns for?
I can barely see the shape
I pretend to understand what is on the inside

Fleeting as I am
I do not care for it
I dissolve abruptly

but like a little child I will still want
what is unreachable
for I am small
smaller than I should be
and I have to be
vast
and alert
to grasp all these abstract notions
someone else infused
into me

Now the world is upon me 
and I have been running away from it 
for so long
I shouldn't stay
but I think I will.



Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Crash-end-O

I have yet to learn
how to be alive
but there are days
I feel vibrant
thriving
colossal

scribble scribble
scribble scribble


no note to keep
no photograph to remember
the light was dim
and dimmer dimmer dimmer
one more life
I will not waste
Not now
Nor never


I have borrowed lives

that I do not want 
but I do not know 
how to give back

I have yet to learn
how to live
with what is not mine.



Monday, May 9, 2016

Silent friction

There is nothing left 
to see together
than what you have already seen
and what I want
you have never seen before
but you do not care for it

I could show you 
how beautiful it can be
but I am crippled by fear
I.am.expendable. 
 
I would like us to explode
and reign over 
all that you think life is
it is not what you see
it is not
just 
this

But I stay here
and now I do have
one more wish to make

I would like to forget
and
to drown
in your everglow
like I thought I did
before


Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Versus

The silence
not deafening
but infuriating 

a dead end 
but a thousand fly paths 
to surpass this 
bittersweet 
mist

of all the things we could do
but we can't.

but when our differences 
do not lie
in the soul 
but on the outside 
how

are we still walking
when we should be flying?




Friday, April 8, 2016

Misshapen

The lights grow hectic,
this town grows tighter;
Nor big 

nor small;
it is its shape,
a sickening circle,

I could never fit in.
I want to run
nor away
nor back
just run
and not bump onto some curve
of the sickening circle.
But there is nothing out there
other than,
just an abundance
of,

curves


of other
sickening

sickening circles.