There is a war in my head. It is as if though my ribs are breaking under the pressure
of the lightness of existence This randomness, which
when added up,
life; as if though it is something
you have control over. There is a war in my head.
And you forget
the superficiality; everything and everyone is disposable. But I refuse to accept that. There is a war in my head. And the ones that have been to hell, do they ever come back? Or are they forever condemned to live with their demons,
just in different forms each time? There is a war in my head. And little does it matter who wins; what matters is how much of me will die along the way?
There are so many things I would like to say to you. And I get a million chances to say them. Well, not all of them at the same time, but it must have been a million by now. But... I always hesitate, and say the simplest things instead. Although very beautiful, they do not quite express what I want. I want you to understand what it is that you see in my eyes. You haven't managed to translate it yet. It confuses you, I know. Maybe you'll disagree, but from what you say, I have come to the conclusion that you have absolutely no idea how I feel about you. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating. My dearest, there are these moments in life when everything seems to make sense. Have you ever experienced that? Very brief and very intense. It is like life, in all its complexity and all its simplicity (I know, I've said it before), is laid out right in front of you. It is as if you can almost touch the meaning of life. And then it disappears. My dearest, I know that I probably have nothing to teach you. You have said it yourself after all. "And you,also, have things I would like to have. I would like to be 23 again". Which... frankly... hurt. It hurt a lot. All the times you said it. But although I believe I have too much to offer you, I will leave it be. The point is this. The feeling I described above; that, my dearest, is my favorite feeling in the whole world.
You know, my dearest, I am considered a nihilist. Nothing ever made sense to me. Nothing ever had a point. And I am ok with that. My dearest. You and me together; we make sense. It is like the most natural thing in the world. Like the moon succeeding the sun. Like the clouds before the rain. Like the flowers blooming in the spring.
My dearest, I can see that you do not realize how special you are. You haven't been loved the way you should have. But I will change that. Because, my dearest, loving you is the easiest thing I have ever done. And that is why it is so beautiful. My dearest, I know that you would very much prefer it, if I was to say all these things while lying next to you. But I cannot do that yet, believe me. And I do not want to waste anymore time. After all, writing is one of the most intimate things for me; so, I hope you will understand. Until then,
my dearest, I believe that... you are my favorite feeling in the whole world.