Last year of a decade

I will sometimes sit in the car
gaze wandering
amongst the trees
in between my
sister's silly beat music
and the loud voices
in this kind of maddening picture
I space out
look outside
sky cloudy as always
I feel as if I have it all

There are not enough verses
to express
this feeling
it feels as if
my heart is expanding
I become lighter
a kind of tickling sensation from inside
I am complete

an inner bliss that I cannot define
but it just carries me away
and everything is so beautiful

it has been so for a long time
where
I am
constantly
so thankful
for everything that I have been through
for all the people
for where I am
and what I have learned

I cannot believe
I have been so lucky in this life
and that it is not just little moments
but maybe
I am finally happy
and ready to accept
that maybe I deserve this
because
I used to be so afraid of this freedom
and now I can finally face it
and smile
and if I scare it away
like hide and seek
I will look for it
as it takes me places
I will embrace it all

I hope that I can promise this to myself
and do so
for the rest of my life.

Painting by Barbara Houwers/ http://www.barbarahouwers.com/