Acceptance

There will be no letters this time
of any kind
I will not thank you
or curse at you
I hope you vanish
deep into the abyss of my thoughts

all I longed for
was the boy who would for once
not love me back

what a silly
childish wish to make
from a
silly
childish
know-it-all
girl

I wanted the pain
of unrequited love
but couldn't carry it
after all

I died
one thousand
six hundred
and twenty
six
times
and every last breath
ever since that summer night
has been yours

but
it
was
not
enough

I do not yet know
what I lost
or what I gained

and I have no shame this time
I will not walk out gracefully
I do not care for that

I feel expendable

replaceable 

I am

uninterested in this

I take a deep breath
and I knock on your door

I have nothing to claim back

but the silence

that I have longed for

forever

and that we never really 

shared