An ode to [...]

We would like to think love is the answer

we like to think things are linear

and we have

to clear out our hearts

clear out our heads

choose

wrong or right

love or hate

run or stay still

you say progress is a line

I say I am not some diagram

in a forgotten schoolbook

my line is a circle

and a triangle

and a square

and it goes back and forth

up and down

I create tsunamis

my backstabbed ethics

as my rescue board

and the next day I flatline

you can’t even hear the beep

hear me when I say

you are not a line either

life becomes like trying to fit a circle into a square

and that is impossible

because yes, impossible does exist

despite the latest inspirational quote

you read online

while crying over your cereal

25% sugar

I look at my honey loops

and think that maybe you can fit

if you are a really tiny circle

or you have a really big square

but

but

things might feel right

but they never feel whole

I am mourning

over all the lives

I didn’t get to live

If I could count

my broken hallelujahs

overflowing blessings

that try to drown me

of all the numbers

I grab an eight

eight looks like infinity

yet eight is a really small number

and that’s all I get

I want to disappear

while holding onto a stranger

when I’m staggering

when it feels like

I have drunk the whole river

how many drinks does it take to poison yourself

I don't know

 

I just wish

I could remain intoxicated

because my favorite thing about balance

is taking the hammer

and breaking everything down

because from all the shapes

different still equals wrong

and as time rots away

and the line disappears

and I do not care anymore 

I pour myself another drink

Tomorrow I'll be the girl that drinks soda

at the bar

and says

"I don't drink"