Wastelands

I could talk about the demons
but I decided to get rid of them
to face myself
but what I saw
was not a mirror
but the hell they had left behind

you are your best guess
of yourself
always unraveling
and never ending
an enigma

an enigma
that suffocates me

for every pain
and every sadness
there grew a tree
that blossomed with my tears
a whole forest
that I want to burn

I feel I need to be elsewhere
to finally erupt
feel the soothing lava
of worrying
about a life I do not want
a life that is not mine
burn through my jaded skin
all the way down to my legs

maybe then I will finally
turn to ashes
burn the ground
so I could never blossom again

as autumn would slowly kill me
and winter would take it all
and then spring
would force me
to do it all over
again

If I could start all over
I wouldn't change a thing
I would simply choose
not to start
in the first place

This is not
a dramatic suicide note
or even a lament

I will breath life
in and out
for as long as I stay
but
I have come to believe
that
a heavily injured soul
never quite heals

and

what doesn't kill you
turns you into something
that more often than not
is
terrifying
but you
against yourself
the biggest battle
that might actually kill you
might also set you free

I will glue my fragments
with whatever love
I have for myself
I cannot accept a helping hand
I never learned how to

Leaving everything behind Painting by Chris Leloudis
https://www.saatchiart.com/chris2015