Ingenue

Myself is my best friend
myself is all I have

I can stay with myself for hours
days even
I am my best company
my thoughts are an endless ocean
in which I bathe
day and night
like milk and honey
sometimes it sticks
and I am trapped
within myself

I keep everything
anyone has ever said to me
I build an ingenue
a maniac with nothing to offer
an emotionally unstable
ethically questionable being
I decorate my figure
with anything anyone has ever given to me
withered flowers from old loves
I carve loving words
on my skin
from forgotten letters
promised forevers
and worlds I left behind

there seems to be no more space
on this doll that looks like me
and I never knew what to leave behind
my life seems like a movie
with a million endings
but somehow it keeps restarting
I keep repeating myself
in different circumstances

myself proves to me everyday
that I am unworthy
and I cannot be alone
with myself
not even for a minute
I cannot stand to think
that I am not loved
not thought of
with no words
to feed my insecurity
and I hide
behind grand loves
and pompous gestures
and the minute I am left with myself
I run
and that only makes me think
I hate myself
I am my worst self
I could be
and I am ashamed

and I fall and I fall and I fall
but I never really do
I cannot leave my safety net
which I knit
with strangers’ threads

I have never fallen
but I have craved this pain
for long

and I think I should stop

sometimes fear and love

they walk next to each other
and at least

I have stopped
hurting others 

along the way
I have grown to know
that people do not like to be alone
and we like to hold hands
and maybe that is not so bad

and all the lies
I will try not to repeat
and I will fix myself

Because
myself is my best friend
myself is all I have